lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
