He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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