Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
