yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
