Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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