I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
