You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So many bounce houses so little time
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
