I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
