We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
