I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
