I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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