my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
