put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
