mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
