I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
