The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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