She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
