I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
