masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Bring me that man meat
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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