that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
