Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
