i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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