halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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