i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
