You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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