I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I need to stop coming to work sober
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
