do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
