Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Randomize
