Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
birth control should be required to get into college
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
