I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
