in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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