Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
