Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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