my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he shaved USA in his pubs
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
