He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You can't just leave with hair like that
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
