the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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