I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
