How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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