please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just high enough for therapy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
