The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
