its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize