I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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