Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
