I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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