Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
