God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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