I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
