i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
