Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
