I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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