and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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