Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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