just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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