i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
